Take 5: Bernie Madoff gets 150 years!

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years, the maximum the judge could throw at him. Let’s go:

1. Why do they do that? The guy is in his early 100s (71 years old specifically) so even 20 years is a life sentence. What is the history of ridiculously long jail sentences? (FYI: The longest recorded prison sentence was for 7,109 years to 2 con men in Iran (of course) on June 15, 1969.)

2. Is it wrong of me that I feel bad for his wife? She’s probably one of those UES b*tches, but now she can’t even shop for cheese in peace.

3. Bernie Madoff = Lorne Michaels

4. In an interview in Vanity Fair, Madoff’s former secretary accused him of being, “a sexist, egomaniacal, short-tempered control freak.” The devil you say.

5. Um, I couldn’t think of anything to go with this picture but I still wanted to use it. Um, party’s over for Bernie?

Take 5: Real Housewives of New Jersey Finale

Oh, my. Oh, my my my my my my myyyye. When was this shot? Last summer? A f*cking year ago? I mean, of course, these ladies and their trials are timeless, but they sat on this for a year? These girls don’t seem like the patient type.

Here we go…

1. Okay, so Teresa threw a table. Big whoop. Everyone I’ve ever met has thrown a table. At least she was classy enough to send her children out of the room first. You know, after she talked about f*cking her husband and her fake boobs (bubbies, fine, bubbies!) and her sore vagina.

2. Was it just the way it was shot or was Albie the only kid at the grown up table? Right? And next to Danielle who all but swallowed him up in her vagina two episodes ago.

3. Jackie, who knew? Good for you for getting a backbone but this was not the right time. And she looked so HAPPY about telling off Dina, which, must have been about always being the in law and not blood sister. “Where’s my invite to Atlantic City?!?!” And then Danielle mouthed, “Thank you” to her in the middle of the fight. Jackie, you chose the wrong side.

4. Move over last episode of MASH and birth of Little Ricky on I Love Lucy, we’ve got another best moment in TV history. When Danielle brought out a copy of Cop Without A Badge at the table I gasped. Yeah, that’s Jersey right there. That’s some classic Beverly f*cking Merrill antics right there. A close second was seeing her daughters’ reactions to her “modeling” photos.

5. Caroline. Oh, Caroline. Let me tell you a-something. You tend to a-speak with a almost a-stutter. It’s a-effective but a a-weird. As I (proud) former NJ resident, I can tell you that saying “Time Out” really does work in getting people to chill for a second. That is not a joke. It’s the truth.

And then they all got pregnant!

Good bye my Turnpike Angels.

Take 5: Survivor: Tocantins

Survivor: Toucan Sam ended last night. It was great! How can I still watch Survivor? Chalk my defense up to its hip to be square.

1) Stephen/J.T. – I like seeing displays of friendships. I actively look for them (which is why I thought Fight Club was a movie about friendship). Stephen got a little cloying but it was Day 39 and he was going to miss J.T. so it’s still all good. And at the reunion special, they were still all over each other. It was sweet. But, at the Final Tribal Council they were snipping and snapping at each other. Having been a Survivor Fan since the beginning, I can’t remember the final two ever talking back and forth like that in the end. It was awesome. And Stephen was deserving of at least one vote. He was a good player. But maybe he got the vote that mattered most. The vote of LOVE.

2) Taj, who is your dentist? Your teeth are WHITE. Your teeth are unusually white. Your teeth may be white supremicists.

3) Coach is an idiot. Jeff Probst was falling all over himself to talk to Coach. “The first vote is for…hey, we’ll talk to Coach in a second…J.T.” Coach was entertaining but he did not make the season, so stop saying that Jeff. And Coach, you did lie! Besides in the game, you told your job you were going to go get cancer treatment for 2 months. Whaaa?

4) You know that feeling when you are at a bar with friends, and one of your friends brings his girlfriend. And she brings one of her co-workers, or something, and you couldn’t really care less about what the co-worker has to say because you’d rather talk to your friends, and you kind of forget their name, and they keep on blathering on, and you’re like “really, that’s…great.” That’s exactly how the last 10 minutes of the Reunion show are when they talk to the back row of Survivors. Uh, Candace, you’re weird. (BUT, did you know that apparently, they all get $10,000.00 just for doing the Reunion show? Even Earl and Spencer and Jodi or what’s her name.)

5) I still miss Colleen Haskell.

Oh, Colleen. What ever happened to you?

Take 5: Insert LOST pun (things I’m hoping will be addressed tonight)

Ever notice how anything that has to do with LOST is required to be a play on words. Get LOST, LOST and Found, Land of the LOST, The LOST boys, or whatever.

My friend was like, “Oh, I love LOST. It’s like Mad Men on an island.” The basis of the claim being that they are both good shows, which, of course, is stupid. “The Lincoln Memorial is like a non animated South Park that’s real serious.”

Anyway, things I hope will be part of LOST’s finale toinght.

1) More Sun.

Man, I like Sun. I can take or leave Jin and really, her talking acting isn’t that great, but, duder, there’s something about her. When she whacked Ben with that paddle! And anyone else think that she’d be a good couple with Lapidus?

2) The death is Hurley. We know someone’s going to die and rumor is it’s Juliet or Sayid, but personally, I’d prefer Jack Jack Jack Hurley. He’s annoying. Miles if funnier. I know I should support actors who are not sterotypically attractive, but this dude is annoying. Plus I like Sayid and Juliet.

3) Rose and Bernard.

Anything. Specifically Rose. When I was younger, my sister accused me of being a reverse racist because I would purposefully really like the minority characters. Tootie was her ace in the hole. But, Rose is the t*ts! How can you not be rooting to see her.

4) What’s up with Locke? I guess dying will do that to you, but dude has been acting weird, right? Damn Gina. Is he Jacob? What’s up Lost?

5) I want Desmond back on that Island!

Take 5: In defense of Kiefer’s head butt

1) Haven’t we all been (drunkenly) partiying and things suddenly get out of control? I once almost kicked Janelle Haggendorf in the head attempting a dance move while tipsy.

2) With all of Keifer’s other antics (the Christmas tree dive? the karate? passed out with his pants down in an Arby’s or something?) this head butt is nothing!

3) Brooke Shields is defending him! Good enough for me. (fyi – in articles describing this Shields is referred to at “former Lipstick Jungle star”. Ouch.)

4) Jack McCollough is probably a d bag. There I said!

5) 24 is good again so cut the guy some slack.

It could have been worse!